The joke thread.

[Dr43]

Have we got one of these?

Well if not then this can be it. Same rules as the last place, anything goes. If you get easily offended then keep away.


I saw someone pick pocket a midget last night. I never thought I would see someone stoop so low.

[Tom]

*Tumble weed*

[Dr43]

My wit is obviously above your intelligence.

[Tom]

Let me go and edit that thread where I say Jackie is too big for her boots!

[Dr43]

Do you want me to moderate you sonny Jim?

[Baz]

Lol

[Tom]

Eww, I'm not your son!

[Dr43]

I would have a word with your mum about that.

[Tom]

Doctor....... my arse!

[Dr43]

Your arse? What's wrong with it? Are you talking out of it again?

[Tom]

[Mistress]

Missed this thread but again...Doc, you made me chortle..............miss ya, big boy!

[L]

I have nothing.

It's way too late in the day to think of a decent joke to add to this thread.

I'll return when I feel wittier.

[Dr43]

As Keith Vaz is at it again I made this. I may send it to him.

[Dave Mercury]

I thought Vaz was a hero in Leicester

[Dr43]

Not in my part. He is dodgy as fuck and it is well known. He gets away with time and again though. He will jump on any issue that will get him press.

The latest story about Vaz the Crooked.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1058575/Labour-MP-Keith-Vaz-faces-sleaze-inquiry-outrageous-bid-sway-judge-behalf-crooked-lawyer-friend.html

[jackie 46]

HOW can you tell you’re getting old?

YOU go to an antiques auction and three people bid for you.



HOW does a Dalek keep its skin soft?

Exfoliate!



DID you hear about the boy cannibal expelled from school for buttering up the teacher?


WHY was the broom late?

It overswept.


IT’S been a volatile week in the financial world with stock markets taking a hammering and shares plunging.

Traders should have bought shares in Viagra. They keep going up and up.


TWO sausages were in a pan. The first said: “It’s hot in here,” The second said: “Wow, a talking sausage.”



I’M a very literal person and I suffer with Tourettes.


I had to go to court today and all went well until I was asked to swear on the Bible.


A FROG croaks to a passing woman: “I’m really a City trader under a curse. Kiss me and I’ll change back.”

Woman: “I’ll keep you as you are — a talking frog is worth much more these days than a trader.”


IF you are in a vacuum and somebody shouts your name, can you hear them?

Blonde: “Depends . . . is the vacuum switched on or off?”


WHY does “smiles” hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary?


Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.


WHAT is Amy Winehouse’s favourite London Tube station? High Barnet.


APPARENTLY 50 per cent of schools are not teaching maths well enough.

Doesn’t sound that bad to me, still less than a quarter.


WHAT happens when you throw a green stone in the Red Sea? Answer: It gets wet.


Advertisement

WHAT’S the best way to find old family?

Win the Lottery.


HOW do you save a drowning mouse?

Mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

WHAT is the true dictionary definition of a trader?

Someone who invests your money until it runs out.


YOU know Broken Britain is getting worse when two peanuts walk into a bar and one is a salted.


DOCTOR, Doctor, every time I stand up quickly I see Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

Don’t worry — you’re just having a Disney spell.


I WENT to a fortune teller who told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited — and got run over by a Securicor van.


IF you lend Pete Doherty ten pounds and then never see him again...it was probably worth it.


I'VE just been attacked by an agoraphobic yob. He said: “Oi you. Inside.”


WHAT do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.


DINNER Lady: It’s very rude to reach over the table for cakes, haven’t you got a tongue in your head?

Pupil: Yes, but my arms are longer.


WHAT does Dr Who have with his pizza?

Dalek bread.


WHAT do UFOs and Gordon Brown supporters have in common?

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.


A MUM finds an S&M mag under her son’s bed and asks her hubby what they should do. He replies: “I’m not sure — but we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”


I PHONED the local ramblers club today — but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

WISE advice from author Mark Twain: “October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”


FIRST fortune teller: “Lovely weather we’re having.”

Second fortune teller: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer of 2012.”

WHAT did the Spanish fireman call his sons?

Jose and Hose B.


A DRIVER sees two crisps by the roadside and offers them a lift. But the crisps say: “No thanks, we’re Walkers.”


ONE journalist meets another in Spain and says: “You’re brown from the sun.” The other replies: “No, I’m Smith from The Times.”


TRADERS’ motto: A client is for life . . . or until he’s broke.


WHY is shares advice so cheap? Because supply always exceeds demand.

[Baz]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple of more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









……. So they buried Debbie.

[jackie 46]

Uck LOL!!

[Z]

This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "alright, little fella - if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car?"

To which the kid replies, "gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"





I feel now that my post count is in double figures, I can post this kind of thing.

I hope you all love and respec' me the way I am. Haaa.

[Baz]

Lol

[Tom]

[Dave Mercury]

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And then he fell on the floor.

[Tom]

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And then he fell on the floor.

RUBBISH!

[Dave Mercury]

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And then he fell on the floor.

RUBBISH!

I bet you don't even get it